My mother is one of the booziest alcoholics I have ever known - and that's saying something.  She stated drinking at 13 and for the last 30 odd years she has continued to drink more and more and more... However I'm all grown up now and dealing with my issues - it is no longer in my face 24/7 and for that I am thankful.  I've nearly finished a psychology major and this study has helped me understand some things about my mother and myself.  I understand for example that I must forgive her for letting me down countless times, embarrassing me, forcing me to grow up too fast, exposing me to sex, drugs and drink before I was matue enough to deal with it.  The list of hurt is unfinite, but I am able to distance myself from it by concentratng on my own family.

The concern is for my two young half sisters who live with the madness on a daily basis.  The youngest is only 3 and the family begged mum not to go ahead with the pregnancy, as she continued to drink heavily and daily...but of course now that she is here we wouldn't be without her.  She is a such a stong wee thing, usually putting herself to bed and just dealing with the awfullness in a resiliant childlike way.  The older sister is nearly a teenager and I can see the anguish in her.  It's like a horrible de ja vu.  She routinely picks our mother up off the ground from whereever she's passed out and drags her to bed.  The poor thing brought a friend home the other week and mum was naked (YES NAKED) and comatosed on the kitchen floor.  When you're nearly 13 this is devestating.  I fear the house will burn down and mum will be too pissed to wake up and I worry about those girls EVERYDAY.  I've seen her drop the youngest more than once and in the morning (while she's still sober) it's all denial and bullshit.

I don't hate my mother, just the disease.  If it wasn't for my sisters I probably would have disowned her long ago, but they are the link that is keeping me caring.  I know I have to be strong and be on standby, because if she keeps going the way she is I will looking at raising them before long.  Its ok, I accept it, you can't punish your body forever and not expect it to fight back eventually and with the existing liver damage and the consumption of up to 3 litres of wine a day I realise this can't go on forever.  Some people (like my partner) think I should 'do something' but when I ask what they think I should do it's stuff we've all tried 20 million times and to no avail.  Should I being doing something other than just waiting for the next disaster (believe me there are plenty so I won't be waiting long)??