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I put it under an LJ cut, because I honestly don't know how long it will beCollapse )
this is going to be a very angry post, and i apologize in advanceCollapse )

i know this is a small community, but i saw al_anon, and there was too much God stuff. thanks for the lack of prayers and preaching.
I come from a long line of drinkers.

My grandparent's were the first to abstain but they didn't ever share why. There ability to function as parents were greatly impaired because of their childhoods spent with alcholic parents leaving my mother with no understanding of the 'drink' and hell bent on drinking lots with prescription meds.

Her husband, my step-father, was raised by active alcoholics. He would drink about every 4-6 months with violent tirades each time. He was a domestic violence perpetrator and loved to torture us children rather he was drinking or not. She played the role of judge telling him who should endure the torture each day. Sometimes she would just make things up. This I never understood. Perhaps she was keeping him buisy so he wouldn't beat on her? They have not changed. Their hateful attitudes resonate and I would be in denial if I didn't know I was in danger anywhere within a large radious of their vicinity.

My baby brother is an alcoholic and domestic violence perpetrator who also beats his children. My youngest sister is a crack, meth and alcohol addict who scitzophrenic, 5 months pregnant and living on the streets. My sister closest to my age is a bartender, band member who plays in bars on her nights off, drinks daily and has forced her children to seek other places to live because they got tired of their mother's nightly parties. They complained they couldn't get their homework done or get any sleep because of the drama that comes with a bunch of drunks overnight, and they were tired of stepping over people in the morning before they went to school.

I found recovery 15 years ago and I tried to share. Obviously they didn't listen.
Watching their decline has been a torment.

I really don't know how I escaped other than choosing the streets at 16 over staying within that hell.

It is near impossible to organize an intervention when you are the only one clean and sober.

Now I deal with survivors guilt.
Forgiveness sometimes happens naturally when you are so far beyond what happened and so happy that you feel so good that you just let go somehow-- but that's not something that can be forced and caused by sheer willpower-- it's *byproduct* of the process, not it's aim. And it doesn't mean that you ever forget what happened or that it is somehow less appalling

If at some point in your healing, you come to feel compassion or understanding for your abuser, that's fine. It's a personal decision, not the goal of healing. It is not essential to your own recovery.

There is only one essential forgiveness you must have to heal from childhood abuse, and that is forgiveness for yourself. If you're struggling with shame, you will need to forgive the child inside of you for having been vulnerable, for having needed attention and affection. You'll have to forgive your adult self for the ways you coped, for the mistakes you've made. But you do not have to forgive your abuser.

I want to thank crimsoncorsair for these very empowering quotes.

It is not about forgiving them, the abusers. It is about forgiving ourselves that we were too weak, too young and powerless to stop it happening.
Ok, so after quite a hiatus, I have fixed the "comments" button here, so that it is acctually an option! Sorry for the mix-up.
I see there haven't been many entries, but I hope the members are still around. I'm an alanon member who is having some trouble with the program. You see, I'm an agnostic, and that doesn't fly well in my area. They tell you you don't have to believe in the Christian god, but then with a wink and a nudge they add "but you will."

They act like I'm some foolish kid, and they're the all-knowing grown ups. They mean well, but it seems as if every conversation I have comes down to getting preached at and getting slogans thrown at me. Trying to talk about something I'm struggling with and suddenly being in a pissing contest over whose life is harder.

And they keep telling me I'll come around to their way of thinking, and what they're really saying is I can't have recovery until I think like they do. I tried to fake it till I make it. I'm not making it. I'm not able to work my program while putting on a smilling face and pretending to believe things I don't. I'm not being stubborn, I'm not not working my program, it's just that my higher power isn't the same as theirs. And that shouldn't be a problem but it is.

Anyway, that's my struggle. Anyone feel the same?
Er, I do not see the button to post comments to posts -even my own. Is it 'enabled'?
Hi. I found you through a friend, and I too, have done with 12 step and what it stands for.
Since leaving, i have forged my own path. I am done with anonymity - I am outing the bastard.
I am done with people wanting to play 'parent', I prefer to hang out with whoever, on my own terms.
Catch y'all later, I hopes...
Second day on vacation... went with my partner to New Hampshire for 2 nights of camping and a show... got no sleep last night thanks to the rowdy assholes who insisted on drinking and partying all freakin' night. Picked up and moved to a hotel. I have so very little patience for the inebriated

Called to check in with the parents... mom, who was completely plastered on Friday when I left, is not sober and apologetic-ish. Sigh. So glad I moved out.

Welcome to the club :-) I'll be on and off over the next few days... traveling from place to place and only signing on when I can find a place to hook up my computer.
After my second try at a 12-step program, I have returned home tonight determined to come up with a better way. Please join me on this quest.

I am the 24 year old daughter, of 2 alcoholics, the sister of a boy with a drug problem, the grandaughter of 3 alcoholics and the nieice of at least 2 people with drug and or alcohol problems. I have been dealing with this for a good long time, and am looking for a community of like-minded individuals to online and/or in person (should I be able to get a group of real live people together) to discuss this aspect of our world in a lively and even irreverent format, void of all that is "AA."