?

Log in

Recent Entries Friends Archive Profile Tags To-Do List
 
 
 
 
 
 
i really don't know what to say or even where to begin. my heart is breaking. I am not a drinker and never really was except for when I was in high school experimenting with alcohol and marijuana. I have cleaned up my act, matured, grown up....  I was never addicted to either of these at any time so I do not know or understand chemical abuse. someone please help me understand.

My husband is 27 years old and has drank from the day we met. Although he doesn't drink as much as he did in the beginning he still drinking a lot more than he should. It is getting to the point where I told him I am fed up and I'm about ready to quit because I try and try to help but he keeps walking all over me. We have two children, I love him more than you can imagine and I dont want to give up but I get so hurt and angry. I say things I don't mean in hopes that it will scare him and he will get his shit together. but also he knows I am a weak person.

I dont know what to do. He is lying about it. hiding his beer and going off to drink it. Last night i found a 6 pack hidden under the balcony. a couple weeks ago it was under our neighbors camper in our parking lot, and a week before that I found it in the basement in our storage unit. Im tired of the lying and hiding. It started off as problems with the drinking but its blown up into our whole relationship. our trust.

He wont go to a docotor.
He wont go to AA.
He thinks I am trying to trap him and taking away the only thing he enjoys.

I love my husband and I want things to work out. We have two amazing kiddos and they deserve more than this!!
I go to my first al-anon meeting on Tuesday. I am terrified.

Thanks for any help!!!!
x-posted
 
 
 
 
 
 
I was afraid at my first Al-Anon meeting. It turned out to not be for me, but at least it was comforting knowing that there were other people there that dealth with what I was going through. That was the best part.

My ex used to lie about drinking, too. Hid bottles. All of that. It really came down to the trust issue when we were breaking up. I couldn't trust that there would be no more violence, no more drinking, no more yelling.

Good luck on Tuesday.
thank you for sharing your experience. I am wondering how I will do because i am not a religious person and from what i hear its all about strength through god to get better.

im sorry it led to breaking up. I dont want that to happen to us. :(
I'm not religous either, and that was the thing that ultimately led to me leaving Al Anon. But the steps are NOT reserved for the religous. You have to figure out who your higher power is - for me my higher power was the Al Anon community, and that worked for me.

The very first Al Anon lead I heard was from a woman who said many times "Marriage CAN survive alcoholism." And it can. Always remember though, that you can get away without getting a divorce - if the situation becomes dangerous REMOVE yourself until you feel safe again.

Is it okay if I add you to my friends list?
Ah yes hun you can add me. I am going to add you as well! :-D

Well I find myself going back and forth because sure my hubby drinks often and its a problem but its never been an abusive issue. Hes never hit me or the kids.. so im not worried about that.. luckily. but i am worried about his health and what this problem is going to do to our family.

I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to make this work. I know it is not going to be easy, but at least if it doesnt, I will know I bust my ass trying!!!!
he won't change if he doesn't want to. if you try to make him quit, he'll just resent you, hide the beer more, and lie about it more.

i'm not a fan of ultimatums, but it seems like you've done your best. i know you don't want to leave him, but you need to say, "either quit drinking, or i'm leaving you. if you decide to quit and i'm available, we can give this another shot." you can't let your kids go through this. he'll either shape up, you'll leave and he'll realize how empty drinking is and shape up, or he'll just continue to drink, but without as much damage to your kids.
Excellent, excellent advice!

I especially like this part: "either quit drinking, or i'm leaving you. if you decide to quit and i'm available, we can give this another shot."

All of it superb advice, very logical and smart.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Though my hubby never hid his beer and we don't have kids, I understand what it feels like to be the one not drinking when he is.

My husband quit drinking, it's been about a month now....he drank for New Year's, because it was a special event, but he hasn't drank anything since, I was worried about him, because he had gone about 3 weeks without drinking anything, and then he got wasted that night (and believe I realized just how much I hated it when he drank, he's not violent or anything, he's just an ass when he drinks), so I was worried that he would start drinking again after that, but thankfully he hasn't.

I know that you want to stay in the marriage, I am one that doesn't even want divorce or separation to be in my vocab. but because there are children involved, you have to think of what's best for them, I know it will be hard, but he will realize what he is missing and he will realize that you and the kids are more important than his beer...

sorry I rambled so much.
Thanks for your input hun... I enjoy hearing what people have to say. It is really really really nice knowing I am not alone!!!!!!

Erik, my hubby, is the same way. he has never been abusive but is just annoying and lame when he drinks. ug.

I love him, and I love my kids. and I know he does to. I wish it was as easy as... "if you love me quit" because it doesnt work.
Hi again. One of the Al Anon slogans which really helped me was "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."

As depressing as that sounds, all you can do is change you and that often makes all the difference.
WOW.. that makes complete sense Thanks for sharing!!!!
As the child of two alcoholics (only my dad drank until I was 13, then my mom started) I would say, for the sake of your children, don't wait too long for results before you make a decision and go. Right now its you who is finding the hidden beer under the porch, camper and basement. In a few years, it will be your children, searching on their own, for his hidden alcohol, thinking that if THEY hide it, or get rid of it, maybe daddy won't drink tonight... thinking (because little kids are still quite egocentric) that they CAN control or cure it. And being heartbroken and unable to understand when it doesn't work.

I could never make it in Al-anon for the same reasons... I believe the steps are completely bogus and that following them is just replacing one addiction or codependent behavior with another one.